"I love you, Jenny. I love you very, very much. You have no concept..." This is what I hear very first thing when I start my quiet time with the Lord each day. It's just proof that God knows exactly what I need to hear before going into a time of talking and listening to Him. He does love me, and that is something I have to hear from Him daily, as I have a difficult time believing it. My past experiences have led me to believe that love is very conditional and temporal. I suppose this is why I make absolutely certain that I love others with as unconditional a love and as committed a love as I can muster.
Lately I have struggled with the listening portion of my quiet time. I'm not really sure I want to hear what the Lord has to say. The last time He prompted me to do something during my quiet time, the fallout was tremendous. It has caused strife between myself and my husband, and it had me thinking I was absolutely out of my mind to do what I did. In spite of the fact that we are having major financial problems, I was prompted to quit my job and trust that He would provide for the missing income. The next day I did just that. The Lord has since shown me a few reasons why I was to do this which I won't, for time's sake, go into today. In other words, God has honored my obedience. So why the difficulty with the listening portion of my devotion when I know God is faithful?
Being willing to listen to God and do his will is VERY scary. Period. Even when you believe He loves you. Even when you believe He is faithful. Even when you believe. I am deathly afraid to hear what he has for me next because it may mean I need to take a giant leap of faith again, and I don't want to go through the emotional torment of obedience even one more time. I know I am not alone in this. It seems the more obedient I am, the more afraid I am to be obedient. But, "I love you. I love you more than you will ever know. You have no concept..." keeps playing in my mind, and reassuring me at the beginning of every quiet time that He has my best interests at heart. And so I proceed ever so cautiously, with eyes squeezed shut, truly working out my faith "in fear and trembling." And just this morning I am reminded of Paul's letter to Timothy in 2 Timothy 1:6-7: "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control."
So I "Press on...", praying the entire time that God would not make it too terribly hard on me, but knowing the entire time that difficulty doesn't matter. Obedience. Now, that is what matters.
