I just don't know if I can do it.

I have a friend. Well, she was a friend. She doesn't have many real friends. Oh, she has a ton of FB friends, and lots of acquaintances, but no REAL friends that I know of. You know, the kinds of friends you can share anything with, cry with, laugh with, etc.. She prefers to keep people at arms length, under the guise of God and husband being the only truly intimate relationships one should have. It's like she feels she is cheating on God to have a close friendship. A long story short, I was the first close friend she had had in a long time, if ever. October 20th we were planning a coffee date. October 21st she stopped responding to any of my attempts to contact her. On Nov. 6th she unfriended me on FB and texted me, "Be well. God bless" That is the last I have heard from her.
Needless to say, I was very hurt. This happened at the worst possible time - I was already having major family issues, so I was as angry about the ill timing of her unexplainable departure as I was hurt. I implored her to explain what I did wrong and asked her to allow me the opportunity to apologize if I did something to hurt her. No response. As best I can figure it, I got too close and she got spooked. Remember - she keeps folks at arm's length. I also suspected her of having an eating disorder (it takes one to know one), and she may have figured that out. If you've ever known someone with an eating disorder, you know the last thing they are going to do is admit it. They'd just as soon punt you as to face you when you know the dirty little secret.

I mourned the loss of this friendship for over two months. Mourned it like a death. Anyone with sense told me, "Just let it go." And I finally have. I have turned the page and moved on to the next chapter in my life. As much as I have been allowed.

You see, God has healed me of the hurt. I am no longer mourning. I no longer desire to try to rekindle this friendship. But, while turning to the Lord in times of need is the best possible thing one can do, it comes with risks. There is always the chance that the Lord's response to your desire is not the response that you hoped for. At this point, I just want to move on completely. Forget it ever happened. Ya know,a new year, "May auld acquaintance be forgot, and never come to mind...", and all that good stuff. But while God has answered my prayer and healed the hurt, he has not turned me loose of her tail, which is what I really wanted. God has let me know, in many, many ways, that even if I never hear from her again, I am to stay in contact with her for now, no matter how painful that may be. Let her know, through cards and messages, that I still love her, that God loves her ,that I am still there for her, and that I pray for her daily. For how long? How often? I have no idea. Stupid, right? Anyone with half a brain would figure I just can't let go. That I am obsessed. Believe me, more than anything in the world I want to be 100% done with her. It would be SO much easier that way. But more than that, I want what God wants. I just don't know if I can do it. It's gonna hurt.

One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is, "What are you going to do?" You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. And God does not tell you what He is going to do - He reveals to you who He is. What I know of Him from this experience so far: He is merciful, forgiving, loving, working in others' lives, and working in my life.

In Hebrews 11:8, Paul describes the "heroes of the faith". Of Abraham, he said, "He went out, not knowing where He was going." (Heb. 11:8). Have you ever "gone out" in this way? If so, you know there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. In the words of Oswald Chambers, we are to "...continually examine our attitude toward God to see if we are willing to "go out" in every area of our life, trusting in God entirely....Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?" I am trying, but I just don't know if I can. I can't, but God can. And that is the key. To take it one day at a time with Him. He will give me the strength to do it when it needs to be done. And that's all that matters.

Prayers appreciated. And I hope that, in this New Year, you will "go out" in God's will, however blindly. There is a certain freedom to it... I will keep you all posted.